Chronicles of a Drunken Cat
by BonesDon'tMelt
Summary: Requested by Purpleradiance! Prompt: drunk Kyo and an army of cats. So here it is: Kyo was, surprisingly, not an angry drunk. But other than that, there seemed to be no consistency...
1. Calm (part 1)

AN: This is multi-chapter (at least one for each time Kyo gets drunk). Now, this first one doesn't have an army of cats but the next story does. One more thing: Kyo's a lightweight. Like, _embarrassingly lightweight_. But so is Yuki. I'm going with the whole "spiked drink" route because to me Kyo seems like the type of guy that, after being drunk once, would swear off of it forever because of the hangover and the ammunition it would give Shigure.

* * *

Yuki had seen many people drunk, and usually they could be set into one specific category.

Ayame was practically unaffected, as he acted drunk one hundred percent of the time, and Shigure was much the same.

He had never seen Hatori drunk, but the one time someone suggested it Shigure had collapsed into a fit of giggles that lasted an hour, punctuated only with unintelligible half-sentences about _this one time_. Once he had calmed, Hatori had taken him aside, said something in a hushed tone, and when the dog had come back he had refused to disclose any information. Yuki could say, with a fair amount of confidence, that he _never_ wanted to see Hatori drunk.

Hatsuharu was an angry drunk. Whenever White Haru drank (which luckily wasn't often), he slowly but surely receded and Black Haru was left in his place.

Ritsu got very, _very_ depressed. Although, he was also surprisingly quiet about it. Instead of screaming apologies to the universe, he buried his head into the table (or floor, or desk, or person) he happened to be sitting on and silently cried. This was much less annoying, but much more unsettling than his usual behavior.

Kagura reverted to her shy persona and stayed there. Needless to say, despite her even clingier state, Kyo preferred her drunk. Yuki would have to disagree; he thought Kagura's violent side was rather funny seeing as it was always directed at the cat.

Yuki had only been drunk once (when Shigure had tricked Ayame into spiking his drink) and he couldn't remember much about it, but he never wanted that to happen again.

Now, Kyo, much like Yuki, had never gotten drunk... on purpose. Unlike Yuki, however, Kyo was stupid enough to fall for the spiked drink trick several times and he didn't seem to be getting better at avoiding it.

* * *

The first time had been at Shigure's house, when said dog had also spiked Yuki's drink.

* * *

Shigure strolled casually over to his flamboyant best friend. He felt no need to prance or be over dramatic. After all, all of the kids were out so there was no one to put on a show for.

"Yes, Gure?" Ayame asked without looking up from the garment he was working on. It was a little dress just for Yuki, all sleek and pretty. His brother would surely love it!

Seeing that Ayame was fully invested in his current activity, Shigure only smirked. That would make this even easier.

"Is that for Yuki?" He inquired innocently. As if he didn't know. But the question had the desired effect; Ayame jumped up and began waxing poetic about how Yuki would finally accept him when he received the heartfelt gift.

Shigure put on his best subtly doubtful look and agreed mildly, which, as planned, brought Ayame to a standstill.

"You don't think he'll like it?" Ayame questioned with a frown. Not that he'd scrap the idea just because Shigure didn't agree, but he was open to ideas for improvement.

"Oh, no, it's not that Aya," Shigure quickly disagreed, shaking his head. "But this _is_ Yuki. Do you think he'd admit it?"

"What are you thinking, Shigure?" Ayame asked, sly smile appearing just as a smirk made itself known on Shigure's visage.

"Me?" Shigure questioned innocently, casually lifting the hand he'd been hiding behind his back to reveal a bottle, "Aya, I'm offended."

The two giggling adults very nearly pranced into Shigure's office to "strategize".

* * *

It was a simple plan.

Shigure and Ayame would make some tea and spike it with the alcohol (it should be noted that their definition of "spiking the tea" is "replacing the water with alcohol") before the boys got home, keeping Ayame out of sight until Yuki was well and truly drunk. Then he would come in and they would unveil the dress (which drunk Yuki would obviously be less opposed to putting on and he wouldn't even notice them taking pictures), and either Kyo would join in their humiliating the rat or just leave.

Tohru had to work tonight so she wouldn't get sucked into it (though the snake and dog both agreed that seeing how Yuki would react to her while drunk would be hilarious), but that definitely made it harder to justify having tea for the boys.

Of course, since they only really planned on getting Yuki drunk (no doubt drunk Kyo would be even more of a house-smashing menace) they only had a cup ready for him. And they hadn't anticipated Kyo's natural tendency to do exactly the opposite of what others wanted and expected simply for the sake of being contrary.

* * *

Yuki and Kyo entered the house silently; there was no point announcing their presence since Tohru wasn't there to welcome them. Both were planning to simply ignore each other and hide in their respective rooms (or on the roof, in Kyo's case) until it was time for Yuki to pick up Tohru from her job. It was his turn after all, despite both boys wanting to.

However, they didn't make it because as soon as they entered the living room they were confronted with the sight of Shigure lounging at the table which had two cups on it. They stopped short, wondering who the cup was for. Ayame wasn't around here, was he?

"Yuki! Kyo!" Shigure exclaimed jovially, gracing them with one of his huge grins. Both boys regarded him in suspicion; he had obviously done something they wouldn't like. "Why are you looking at me like that?" He pouted, as if he honestly didn't know. "Yuki, have some tea with me. You owe me after assuming the worst like that," the dog chided, taking a sip from his own cup.

"So what, _I_ don't get tea?" Kyo demanded, immediately insulted despite the fact that if Shigure had simply offered he would have scoffed, glared, and stomped upstairs without justifying the offer with an answer.

Shigure, and Yuki as well, was honestly taken aback. He had not planned for this. The entire teapot was tainted with the depressant, and the flamboyant duo hadn't been planning to ignite the already short-fused cat with alcohol... Although, if he was asking...

"I didn't think you'd want any!" Shigure smiled innocently as he stood, "I'll get you a cup."

The two teens sat on the ground beside the table, Yuki fixing his eyes on the wall across from him while Kyo glared at the tea in his rival's hands as if it were the cause of all of his problems.

Yuki really didn't feel like a fight right now, it had already been a long day, so he refrained from making a deceptively mild remark by taking a sip of the tea that had apparently insulted Kyo in some manner.

As soon as it hit his tongue, Yuki's brows furrowed and he was glad he had only taken a sip. Something was wrong with this tea. It was just... nasty.

"What did that dog do to this?" Yuki muttered. Now he was the one regarding the offensive tea for the slop it was while Kyo was suddenly more interested in Yuki's face.

There weren't a whole bunch of things that could gut Yuki to physically show disgust. One was himself, another was Ayame, and apparently the third was Shigure's tea. Which was strange, because Shigure _had_ made them tea before and it wasn't _that_ bad. Not that Kyo would ever admit that.

The main point was, Kyo was now halfway between bolting for the stairs and wanting to see exactly what type of taste had made Yuki look so unrefined (even if it was for just a moment).

Not that he thought Yuki looked refined, mind you...

"What ever do you mean?" Shigure asked, apparently having been listening to Yuki's comment. "Ah, I see," he suddenly exclaimed, sparkles floating around his visage and tears streaming down his face. The cup he'd retrieved for Kyo was nearly flung when he dramatically threw his arms about while exclaiming, "the tea our lovely flower makes has spoiled you! My common tea, untouched by Tohru's sweet-"

"Shut up!" Both boy's exclaimed, knocking their older cousin to the ground. Kyo caught his cup and regarded it, and then the teapot, with trepidation. To try, or not to try? That was the question.

Just as Kyo was about to place the cup on the table (or shatter it on Shigure's head) and leave, he spotted Yuki looking at him as the effeminate boy took another sip of the apparently disgusting liquid.

Now he _couldn't_ just leave. Yuki was braving the tea, and if that pretty-boy rat could do it than so could he!

Kyo immediately filled the cup to the brim and swallowed half in one huge gulp.

Which he almost choked on.

Because it _burned._

Drinks should not burn. Yes, maybe if they're off-the-fire hot or pepper juice or something, but that was not this. This was just a horrible, back-of-the-throat oh-my-gosh-I-just-swallowed-fire type of hot. Or maybe the same as when one puts hydrogen peroxide on a cut. Except internal, which made it ten times worse.

In other words, _not_ the good type.

As Kyo hacked, Yuki managed to hide his smile behind his cup and his indifferent eyes. He did not, however, contain his remark.

"Hairball?" The silver-haired teen asked mildly, taking another sip and making sure he looked perfectly content with the still-horrible taste and burn.

The reaction was immediate, as Yuki knew it would be. The cat halted this coughing through sheer force of will and fixed him with the usual determined stare before snatching his cup back of the table. The rat hid his smirk behind the cup once more, waiting for the inevitable hilarious reaction.

Unfortunately for Yuki's entertainment plans, Kyo had at least learned something and didn't gulp it this time. Instead he sipped it, his determined look only wavering slightly at the taste before he went back to glaring at his rival.

Now it was Yuki's move. Continue sipping and get Kyo to drink more, or stop and save them both but endure Kyo's gloating about how he won.

Usually, Yuki would just stop now and, if Kyo's crows of victory got too annoying, show him who had _really_ won later when Kyo inevitably attacked him again.

However, right now that seemed like an idiotic option. In fact, Yuki didn't even analyze the two options for pros and cons and then choose based on merit as he usually would have.

In a split-second decision that Yuki hardly even noticed, he was taking another sip.

Shigure watched silently from the floor, not willing to risk his health by attracting their attention to move, as what had to be the most intense sipping contest in history unfolded before him. However, it wasn't the liquid that had him interested as much as the contestants faces.

Something very strange was happening.

The more they drank, the more the two teens began to look like each other.

Not _physically_ of course, their hair didn't change and Yuki still looked more girly, but their faces. Yuki's brow slowly furrowed until he was almost outright scowling at the cat (which generally didn't happen even when he was pounding said teen into the ground). Kyo's, in comparison, slowly relaxed until he was regarding Yuki in something Shigure almost dared to call _amusement_.

But Kyo didn't get amused like that. He either got angry and smashed stuff or he laughed raucously. And it was more... blank.

Kyo watched in silence as Yuki slowly got angrier and angrier. He knew, logically, that this was a strange occurrence. He knew he would usually be taunting the rat or at least smirking at him. But, for some reason, he just didn't feel like it. His brain was feeling kind of fuzzy, but he felt perfectly clear-headed and calm.

This must be what Yuki felt like all the time.

Yuki, on the other hand, was getting _very_ irritated.

Kyo wasn't reacting. He wasn't blowing up, shouting, flipping tables. He was just... _sitting there._ Sitting there looking completely calm and collected, as if nothing Yuki could ever try would get a rise out of him.

And for some reason, that just made Yuki want to flip a table _for_ him.

So he did.

Shigure let out some sort of screech-laugh hybrid as the short table went flying through the door over his head. He was honestly torn between terror for his physical well being and absolute ecstasy at this unexpected reaction.

"What's your problem?" Kyo asked, looking honestly surprised at the turn of events but not quite invested in the rat's answer.

Yuki glared harder than ever.

He had just flipped a table. A _table!_ And all the usually-explosive cat had to say was " _what's your problem?"_

Shigure gauged the situation with his keen adult mind and decided that there was only one way to handle this. Call in reinforcements.

"Oh, Aya~ Time for your debut!"

* * *

NA: I'm splitting this one in half because I'm feeling guilty. I am _so sorry_ that this took so long to get out! It's just that I was involved in this musical and was only home roughly ten hours a day (on average) six and a half of which was sleeping and the rest was work... and I just realized as I typed that out that it sounds unhealthy. Anyway, I'll try to at least get the other half of this up before I'm out of touch for ten days (vaguely explained on my profile).


	2. Calm (part 2)

AN: Second half of "calm" story! Sorry it took so long, I was seriously three paragraphs from finishing this part when I left and I finished on the plane, but then I couldn't post it!

* * *

In the few moments before Ayame burst into the room, Shigure reflected on what he had just doomed his friend to with an only slightly-guilty smile. Yuki was already angry. Even when the teen wasn't predisposed to anger Ayame somehow sent him into fits of homicidal rage, so Ayame was pretty much screwed. Especially with that dress he'd be bringing in. But he had doomed his best friend to this torture anyway, because Aya could handle it and it would be _funny_.

Or, rather, Shigure _would_ have reflected all that if Yuki hadn't heard him call for Aya.

"Eheh, now, Yuki, you don't hate him _that_ much," Shigure laughed nervously, forcing a smile as Yuki towered over him emanating absolute rage.

Perhaps he should have called Tohru instead. Fueling the fire probably wasn't his best idea...

"YUUUUKIIIII!" Ayame spun into the room holding the newly-made dress, which was flinging sparkles into all corners of the room. Yuki looked positively murderous.

Oh dear, it seemed it was too late to fix his mistake. Now he'd have to just watch the chaos unfold. Which, actually, he was perfectly fine with now that Yuki's anger wasn't directed at him. Poor, poor Aya.

Yuki, with nary a thought in his head, immediately spun into a roundhouse kick... that passed a few inches in front of Ayame's face. The resulting wind caused his hair to shift, but Ayame didn't stop beaming.

Dear me, Shigure had been right! Yuki was so much more agreeable when drunk! He'd given a warning shot!

Said rat had actually been aiming for his brother's head. Apparently he had miscalculated, which only served to make Yuki even more incensed.

Kyo was still sitting on the ground where he had been when the table had been flipped, simply watching events unfold. It was weird, how all of these usually tantrum-inducing events seemed completely unimportant right now. He felt as if he should have been _cackling_ about Yuki missing something, or maybe furious and indignant that it hadn't happened during one of their fights. But he didn't do either of those, which was strange even to him. He looked suspiciously at the tea he was still holding (though not drinking, there was no reason now that Yuki had stopped). He wouldn't put it past Shigure to slip something into their drinks. But, unlike what he knew his usual reaction would be, he couldn't seem to rally up enough contempt to physically assault the dog.

However, he did toss his still-half-full cup at his cousin's head.

"Hey," Shigure whined, and was ignored, as his hair was soaked with the alcohol infused liquid.

"Look at what I made for you, little brother!" Ayame was exclaiming, proudly presenting the still-sparkling dress.

Kyo wondered if everything was actually sparkly or if that was a side effect of whatever Shigure had done (for the record, the dress had flung its sparkles to every corner, so it really wasn't just Ayame this time).

Yuki's eye twitched. Ayame... would die today. The rat took a seemingly steady step forward, trying to determine how far from his brother he really was, but was stopped by Kyo's unusually grating voice.

Kyo had been musing about the sparkles, and had just decided that it was simply Ayame's usual glamour somehow spreading (which was actually quite worrying. Was flamboyancy contagious?) when his eyes were drawn to the dress. And then, because he was directly beside it, Yuki. The placement of the two beside each other momentarily confused Kyo, who had to look between them three times before he realized something rather obvious.

"You look like a girl."

The statement brought everyone in the room to a grinding halt. Because it was just that- a _statement_. Yuki had been told he looked like a girl plenty of times just by Kyo, but it had always been a mocking or belittling tone.

What he just said was stated like a fact.

Yuki turned, temporarily forgetting about Ayame as he gave Kyo a half-incredulous half-angry look. However, he quickly got over being incredulous and glared in complete anger.

"What did you just say, stupid cat?"

"You look like a girl," Kyo repeated, as Yuki apparently didn't understand the first time. After half a beat of silence, he decided to reiterate using different words. "You're pretty, like a girl."

Shigure almost died right then and there from holding in his laughter. This... It was _so perfect_. Who would have ever guessed such a spur-of-the-moment idea would result in this hilarity? But, for now, he kept his mouth clamped tightly shut. There would be plenty of time to mock the duo when Yuki wasn't likely to murder him in cold blood and Kyo would actually react. Because heaven knows Shigure didn't enjoy mocking people who didn't react (unless, that is, he could tell that they desperately _wanted_ to react, like Hatori and Yuki. That was even _funnier_ ).

Ayame had no such qualms, and so unashamedly belly-laughed at the statement. Of course, a few seconds later he was cheerfully cooing over how Yuki really _is_ as pretty as a girl, as is true to his nearly bipolar nature.

Yuki's head was spinning. He was conflicted. Ayame seemed even more annoying and obnoxious than usual. Kyo had just called him _pretty_. _WHO WAS HE GOING TO HIT FIRST?!_

Of course, first he'd have to determine exactly where both of them were. The room wasn't exactly spinning, but it was tilting precariously. And while there weren't doubles of them, the others in the room seemed to be blurring slightly. Plus, his usually impeccable depth perception was failing and making everything look closer or further than he _knew_ it was.

That didn't stop him from taking a swing at Kyo when the cat's distinctive orange hair caught his eye. There was no way he could miss something that obvious, right?

Wrong.

Kyo looked up from regarding the dress (he had just noticed it was pink. He felt like that should have been ridiculously funny, but ended up just wondering if it wrinkled easily because it had been dropped in a crumpled heap on the floor) just in time to see Yuki lurch towards him.

Instead of the explosive yell and nimble (if a bit clumsy) dodge that usually would have been the response to this action, Kyo watched in dull surprise as the rat came closer, silently acknowledging that this would probably hurt.

Just as Yuki's fist hit the air about five inches in front of the cat's face, Kyo suddenly realized that he didn't _want_ to get hurt. So instead, he dodged.

He tried for one of his usual tactics; a quick lurch to the left, that turned into a roll, which he would spring out of with ease.

He got to "lurch" and was about to continue into his roll when the world started doing it _for_ him. He ended up lying on the ground, sending a half-hearted glare at an obviously amused Shigure. Though it wasn't all bad; Yuki didn't end up hitting him.

Yuki's punch (which would have only skimmed the tips of Kyo's hair, if that, even without the "dodge") missed so spectacularly that it sent the poor, angry rat stumbling forward. Unfortunately, Kyo happened to have flopped directly into his path. The cat merely grunted when Yuki's foot collided with what he assumed were his kidneys, and the rat only managed a rather embarrassing squeak that befitted his zodiac.

Shigure, who had still not stood up (instead opting to strike a "french girl" pose, much to Ayame's amusement) watched in utter _glee_ as Yuki fell in almost slow-motion across Kyo's stomach even as said cat continued to glare at him.

Kyo wriggled under the dead weight of his cousin, a vaguely annoyed frown marring his face when the rat didn't move. What was wrong with him? Kyo abandoned his passive glaring at Shigure in favor of regarding his other, more recently, felled cousin to discern why he hadn't jumped up yet.

His peaceful, slack face was turned towards Kyo, and the fact that the rest of his body was limp informed Kyo of what he was wondering.

Yuki was asleep.

Kyo poked the rat, just to be sure, while Ayame swarmed over (Kyo silently wondered how one single person could swarm anywhere, but decided it was just an Ayame thing) and squealed about how cute Yuki looked.

Shigure cracked up. Now that the danger of Yuki had passed and Kyo was feeling unusually calm, he could laugh at anything he wished without danger of dismemberment.

Kyo ignored the obnoxious gales. Yuki looked rather peaceful, and very comfortable. Perhaps sleeping was a good idea.

So he did as well.

It took nearly five minutes for either awake cousin to even realize Kyo had fallen asleep at well. When they did, Ayame took the time to compare how Yuki and Kyo looked while sleeping (he decided, in an openly biased manner, that while Kyo was cute, Yuki was more adorable because they were related. He even declared english too crude a language to describe him and instead called upon the elegance of french). Shigure, on the other hand, sat silently for once in his life. He regarded the duo with a smile on his face... imagining the hilariously _explosive_ reactions would be brought by their wakening.

"Aya," Shigure turned to his friend with a decidedly innocent smile, interrupting the snake's ramble about Yuki being "très mignonne". "Did you bring the camera?"

"Why, Gure, of course," Aya replied in his default sultry tone, bishi sparkles drifting by as his own personal wind shifted his hair. The duo froze like that for a moment, Shigure looking positively innocent while Ayame flaunted his stuff.

"Yay!" They cheered like children, high-fiving.

"I'll get markers!" Shigure volunteered, skipping off as Aya got to work on filling all of the memory cells with blackmail material.

* * *

Kyo groaned as the first rays of light entered the house and stabbed him in the eyes. He made to turn away; light was never exactly the most comfortable thing at five in the morning, but this particular morning seemed more painful for some reason. The action was stopped by a strange weight and a soreness.

That was when he realized something was very strange.

For one, he didn't seem to be in his bed. Or any bed, actually. It felt like the floor. Then was his unwillingness to get up, despite his usual morning-person attitude. Last, but _definitely_ not least, was the thing on his chest.

It was warm. And shifting. And _alive_.

"Grah!" The cat yelped when he finally figured this out, flailing his way away from whatever it was. This was remarkably difficult, because his arms got all tangled up in what seemed to be a blanket.

After about three minutes of wordless shouting and undignified waffling about, in which time the person that Kyo still had yet to look at (hopefully it wasn't Ayame, once was enough) woke up marginally and added to the fray, Kyo managed to separate himself from the blanket and person.

When Kyo, wild-eyed and breathing heavy, finally spotted his floor-mate, he was conflicted.

It was Yuki.

On the one hand, he had basically been _snuggling_ the stupid rat. How had that even happened? He was gonna have to take, like, _three_ showers!

On the other hand, Yuki had drawings _all over his face_. They ranged from a monocle, to a happy face, a moustache, and the words _brother of an awesome guy_ emblazoned in rainbow across his forehead.

He ended up letting out a shaky, choked sort of hysterical laughter while still sitting on the floor, backed into a corner of the room and staring at Yuki with wide, unblinking eyes.

After this moment of temporary insanity had passed (which, admittedly, took longer than Kyo would ever admit), the cat looked around the room more to avoid another mental breakdown than anything. They seemed to be in Shigure's sitting room, but the table was missing. There was also a hole in the door that was suspiciously table-shaped.

Kyo couldn't remember how any of that happened, but the table was probably his fault. Unless Haru had been over and gone black for some reason.

Of course, if it _had_ been Haru than Yuki probably would have been sleeping with said cow, _not_ Kyo.

"Oh, you're awake!" Kyo nearly jumped out of his skin when Shigure's obnoxiously cheerful voice cut through the quiet of the morning.

"Stupid dog!" He hissed more out of reflex than real intent, fixing him with a glare.

"Kyo, you were so happy last night! What happened?" Ayame flounced into the room behind Shigure, draping himself over the dog with a would-be-innocent pout.

Kyo felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

He couldn't remember last night. Nothing after he and Yuki had started at Shigure's crappy tea. When Ayame said that he was "happy" what, exactly, did that mean?

Since he was so busy freaking out about what on earth he'd done the night before, Kyo didn't even notice Ayame and Shigure sniggering as they intermittently shared looks and glanced at Kyo's face.

"What am I doing on the floor?" Yuki had finally become self-aware. Slowly, he sat up with a hand to his head and turned to look at the other occupants of the room.

His eyes caught on Kyo's face. It was covered with marker; mountainous eyebrows climbed his forehead, when he blinked cat-like eyes could be seen on his eyelids, and his cheeks had a butterfly on one (multicolored and sparkly, undoubtedly Ayame's work) and _I_ _rats_ on the other.

"You're looking more idiotic than usual," Yuki intoned, feeling rather malicious. Kyo's shoulders rose nearly to his ears in a vague imitation of a cat raising its hackles, winding up for a return strike that was nipped in the bud by Shigure's dramatic sigh.

"And they were getting along so well yesterday," the writer bemoaned to his silver-haired friend as if neither teen could hear them.

"Getting along?" Both teens echoed in sync, giving each other fleeting glares for the unintentional unison before their curiosity drove their suspicious gazes back to the older two.

"You don't remember?" Ayame asked innocently.

"Kyo even called Yuki pretty!" Shigure chipped in cheerfully, watching with amusement as his housemates looked at each other in absolute horror.

* * *

When Tohru came downstairs the morning after she had returned home to find Kyo and Yuki asleep on the floor (and covered them with a blanket after finding that neither was waking up anytime soon), it was to quite a strange scene.

Yuki, who was still half-covered by the blanket and looking out of it, was staring at Kyo, who wasn't much more put together, and both looked like they wanted to jump in a freezing river. Shigure and Ayame seemed to be completely ignoring the scene (instead opting to drink tea with all the fixings on the ground since the table was still outside and probably broken), except that they would sometimes crumple up a piece of paper and hurl it at one of the immobile teen's faces.

Yuki and Kyo stayed like that for a little over ten minutes (Shigure would swear that they hadn't even blinked that whole time) despite Tohru's best, frantic efforts. When they did finally move, they silently agreed that Ayame and Shigure were probably lying to them and left to wash the marker off of their faces.

There wasn't a sound other than running water for the next ten minutes, but finally the dulcet tones of Kyo's furious bellows broke the silence.

"THIS IS _PERMANENT_ MARKER!"

* * *

AN: Finito! "Calm" Kyo is done! Not sure when I'll be able to get the next story up or how many chapters that one will be, but stay tuned because Kyo gets his army of cats!


	3. Cravings (IE Criminal Mastermind)

AN: I'M SO SORRY! I DON'T DESERVE TO BE IN THIS WORLD! I MADE YOU ALL WAIT A MONTH FOR THIS SILLY LITTLE CHAPTER *Bawling in a corner*... Ahem. Channeling my inner Ritsu. Anyway, I'm sorry it took so long. My "Undercover" muse beat up my "chronicles" muse and hog-tied him in a closet. It took a lot of finagling, some lock-picking classes, about a thousand bucks and purpleradiance shaming his very existence to get Undercover to let him out. Thanks for kicking my butt into gear, purpleradiance!

 **Cravings! IE, Criminal Mastermind.**

* * *

Since the first time was so fun, Shigure decided, a few weeks later, to do it again. It wasn't a planned thing, he just happened to be bored that day despite the ever-looming deadline of his next _masterpiece_ being merely two days away.

Although this time, for the sake of his house and his physical health, he would leave Yuki out of it.

Honestly, if he had thought it would be more amusing, then he would have said to heck with his house (he only really complained about it in the first place to be melodramatic), but he wanted to see how Yuki would react to a completely unfazable cat. He was really hoping that he'd get to see Yuki's reaction to being called pretty when he wasn't drunk.

Though Shigure already realized he'd have to be sneakier than last time; despite popular belief, Kyo was actually a pretty smart guy. He definitely wouldn't fall for the spiked tea trick now that he knew what it tasted like, and the only reason it really worked the first time was because of Yuki and Kyo's all-consuming rivalry.

But how could he be subtle enough for Kyo not to notice while still administering enough alcohol to get him well and truly drunk?

A question for the ages.

It was too bad he wasn't trying to get Yuki drunk. All he'd have to do was spike his breakfast; the rat was hardly even _alive_ in the mornings, he probably wouldn't even notice.

Luckily, Shigure was very good at manipulation; he knew exactly what buttons to push on who to get them to do what he wanted. The guy could probably sell an eskimo ice, come back an hour later and do it again.

Basically, all he would have to do was distract Kyo. The cat _could_ be a surprisingly keen and observant, but when he was angry, especially at Yuki, that flew out the window.

Shigure grinned as a plan finally occurred to him, ceasing the incessant tapping of his pen that had been going on for at least ten minutes (after all, he was abandoning his writing deadline in favor of concocting this plan).

The best part was that Yuki didn't even have to _know_ about it; he would be an unwitting accomplice to Kyo's downfall, and therefore wouldn't be ready for a drunk cat!

* * *

This time, the plan would take place in the morning. The main component of this plan was making Yuki _very_ annoyed, because then the rat would passive-aggressively prod Kyo into a spitting rage which would be the perfect time to slip a little something into his morning milk.

And who better to make Yuki mad than Ayame himself?

* * *

"Oh, Aya!" Shigure cheered as he picked up the phone that night, doing his best to act surprised despite the fact that this was planned. He could already feel Yuki's aura of anger emanating from behind him, but he willfully ignored it. "Of course you can come over tonight," he laughed, turning so that Yuki and Kyo could both hear him better. Tohru was also there of course, but she didn't have _half_ the hilarious reactions as the boys so this act was purely for them. Suddenly he smirked, lowering his eyelids to half and sending the kids a suggestive look, "you can share my room."

 _That_ one was for Tohru, who turned fire-truck red at his words while Yuki and Kyo didn't even react more than a slight sneer. Shigure and Ayame had been cracking jokes about being gay for as long as they could remember; while it was irritating, it was no longer shocking or even really worth reacting to.

* * *

The seed had been planted. Yuki had gone to bed in a snit, and when he woke up his bad mood _should_ still be lingering around. Especially once he realized Aya actually _had_ stayed the night.

All they would have to do now was plant the alcohol and orchestrate Princess' (IE Yuki, since Aya insisted that because this was a secret mission their targets needed codenames) run-in with Misfortune (IE Kyo) before Misfortune got to his after-workout milk.

Oh yes, Ayame and Shigure were going to defile Kyo's milk. The cat was going to be _pissed_.

Shigure (AKA _Blackwolf_ ) and Ayame (AKA _Fashionable Butterfly_ ), who had chosen their own names, got up early, even before Kyo's normal run, to sabotage him.

* * *

"Shigure, ~ _Shigure_ ~" Said dog grumbled, turning away from the noise that was pulling him from his blissful oblivion. He couldn't see any light through his eyelids, which meant it was _much_ too early to get up. "~Blackwolf~"

The plan flashed through his mind, and his eyes were open in a second.

"Hello, Butterfly," he smirked, sitting up when he spotted the silver-haired man. Ayame pouted slightly, so Shigure smoothly corrected " _Fashionable_ Butterfly." Aya graced him with a blinding grin, jumping up in a surprisingly quiet motion and waiting impatiently for his cousin to follow so they could begin their plot.

"C'mon Gure!" Aya whispered, holding in his giggles as the two tiptoed overdramatically around the house. The two crept in and out of rooms, up and down the stairs, and around furniture as if they were in the house for the first time (why? Because it was more _fun_ this way). Ayame even took it upon himself to steal Yuki's blanket from the sleeping rat, as part of the "make Yuki angry" section of their ingenious plan.

"I've found it! Aya, it's over here!" Shigure stage-whispered from the kitchen, as if they had honestly been searching for the rather obvious bulky appliance the whole time.

"Perfect!" Aya sang back, popping out of Shigure's office and skipping, again surprisingly quietly, to Shigure's position.

The two would-be criminals could almost hear mission impossible music playing as Shigure whipped out the bottle; Ayame opened the fridge dramatically, light spilling out into the kitchen and illuminating their prize- Kyo's milk. The cork was popped, Ayame grabbed the handle of the carton.

There was a creak from upstairs, and the two froze.

Someone, undoubtedly Kyo, was coming down the stairs.

Did he really get up this _freaking_ early?! Who did that on purpose!?

Shigure and Ayame looked at each other like deers in headlights as the steps grew ever-closer.

Kyo stopped short when he got to the kitchen. What on earth was going on here?

"Hello Kyo, why are you up so early?" Shigure asked, taking a sophisticated sip from his wine glass. He and Ayame were reclined on the kitchen chairs in their most regal positions, and Kyo could swear Ayame was wearing a blanket as a cape.

"It's five O'clock somewhere, Kyo-kyo," Ayame chided when Kyo just stared.

"Aya, it's five O'clock now!" Shigure corrected with a huge grin.

Kyo turned around and left without a word.

"Misfortune has exited the building," Shigure reported as soon as he heard the door shut. Within a minute, they had supplemented Kyo's half-empty jug of milk with alcohol and placed it back in the fridge.

Now, all they had to do was wait.

.

.

.

Yuki sputtered and gasped as he was jerked back to reality by a combination of water being thrown on his face and the irritating chuckles that he knew all too well.

Shigure had never been very good at waiting.

* * *

When Kyo got back from his morning workout, he was met by an even stranger scene than he had left this morning.

Yes, stranger than Ayame in a blanket-cape sitting with Shigure in the kitchen drinking wine from who-knows-where at five in the morning.

Not because it was _actually_ stranger than that, but because that wasn't actually very strange when one considered that it was Ayame and Shigure who had been acting strange this morning. After all, it was expected for the duo to be borderline insane.

On the other hand, Yuki being awake before it was _absolutely necessary_ was virtually unheard of.

Therefore, he stopped short and stared unabashedly at the suspiciously awake rat as soon as he came into sight. Even though Kyo was a self-professed insouciant when it came to Yuki's feelings, he could tell the rat wasn't happy. And when Yuki wasn't happy, he was easier to rile up.

Of course, the fact was that when Yuki was much easier to irritate (which Kyo found absolutely hilarious) it inevitably led to _Kyo_ seething, yelling, and breaking the furniture. Unfortunately, the cat discarded this logical sequence of events as unimportant, because Yuki's inexplicable anger gave him cause for smug celebration.

Yuki's carefully-guarded expression was hard-pressed to stay impassive when he saw Kyo smirk as the cat walked through the room. He knew Kyo could see that he was having a bad day; that was why his cousin was smirking. He managed not to open his mouth, reminding himself that he had his image to maintain.

But once Kyo started something, which Yuki was sure he would, all bets were off.

He didn't have to wait long and, in fact, hardly at all. Kyo had hardly picked up his customary after-workout milk when he finally did exactly what Yuki had known he would do from the beginning.

Had Yuki not been pointedly avoiding looking in the direction of Ayame and Shigure because of their earlier stunts, which he found to be unprovoked and _highly_ irritating, he might have noticed the writer's badly-covered panic at seeing Kyo lift the jug and relief when he paused.

"What's the rat doing up?" He asked Tohru, pointedly not speaking to Yuki. The silver-haired teen was, in fact, very good at pretending that being ignored didn't annoy him. But Kyo was better at spotting things that irritated Yuki than Yuki was at covering those things up. He was not, however, half as proficient at covering his own irritants.

It was, therefore, only a matter of seconds before Yuki had come up with a retort that had Kyo spitting with rage.

"Perhaps being productive, unlike you, stupid cat."

Granted, getting Kyo to the point of spitting with rage was hardly any sort of achievement. Yuki probably could have probably stopped at "stupid cat" and still had the desired effect.

"Who's stupid, rat-boy?!" Kyo demanded, spinning to face his childhood rival head on.

"You," Yuki replied in a clipped manner; yes, he wanted to get Kyo back for being so smug, but in his irritated state he was determined to do so with as little effort as possible.

Kyo, having no retort to that besides "you're stupid!", which was so juvenile that even he wouldn't stoop to saying it out loud, sputtered wordlessly for a time before turning and taking a gulp of his milk for lack of anything better to do.

He almost spit it right back out.

For the sake of his own pride and not wasting milk (he was many things, but he was _not_ a milk-waster), Kyo forced himself to swallow the putrid substance before regarding the jug as if it had betrayed him on a personal level.

Milk was sacred. Milk was the reason he could go all out during his morning training sessions and still make it through the day. There was also the little fact the he was internally (and sometimes externally) a cat, which probably had _some_ effect on his deep personal attachment to a drink.

Because Kyo was so busy staring at the milk and Yuki was so busy staring at Kyo, no one noticed Shigure watching from the corner of his eye in feigned disinterest or Ayame blatantly staring with an expectant grin that would have caused the two teens suspicion had they noticed it.

This was unfortunate for Kyo, who probably would not have made his next decision had he bothered to notice his older cousins' apprehension. As it was, he weighed the pros and cons of drinking the strange-tasting milk that he figured was probably slightly sour.

And, in a lapse of judgement incredible even for Kyo, he decided, _eh, it couldn't be too bad._ Then he drank it, because one does not waste any sort of milk.

The effect was not immediate.

Shigure hadn't thought it would be, but Ayame sat back looking disappointed. Yuki, finally having noticed something off about their behavior (since Kyo had now drunk a whole jug of insta-Karma, he had no need to get back at him anymore), started feeling uneasy.

What, exactly, was going on? Ayame being disappointed could be caused by anything from a butterfly "ignoring" him (Ayame's words) to one of his and Shigure's hair-brained plans not working (surprise, surprise). But the look on Shigure's face... _that_ was something Yuki knew was dangerous. _That_ was the look of unnerving patience, of smug satisfaction when he was waiting for the fruits of his labors to present themselves. That was the look Shigure had worn when he presented Yuki with "photographic evidence" of him and Kyo actually "getting along" and waited for their reactions (they still opted to believe Shigure was full of bull, since all of the pictures depicted Yuki as thoroughly incensed and Kyo as either oblivious or simply uncaring. Plus there was no evidence that Kyo had even _uttered_ the word "pretty". Simply the thought made Yuki shudder).

In a sudden flash of clarity, Yuki understood. The strange, unprovoked acts aimed to irritate him. Shigure and Ayame being wide awake early enough to perform said acts. Then the milk tasting strange...

Yuki stood up abruptly, eyes wide and mouth already half opened as if to warn Kyo of what he had just ingested.

Not because he _cared_ or anything, just because he didn't want some drunk idiot proving Shigure's story correct.

But he was too late. The depressant was taking effect.

Suddenly Kyo, still frowning deeply at the jug, which had significantly less liquid than before, dropped the offending container. He hadn't bothered the screw the cap closed, so the remaining substance spread over the floor. Kyo didn't bother to even look at the spreading mess even as Tohru let out a squeak of surprize, instead opting to leave the house without another glance; he wanted some good milk.

Tohru was flailing awkwardly between cleaning up the spill and going after Kyo, not understanding why he had suddenly done that. Kyo was occasionally (okay, _often_ ) emotionally unstable, but usually he actually had something set him off!

Yuki would have assured her it was not her fault and told her to leave the cat be, it was really not her problem if he wanted to throw a fit and stomp off like a child, if he wasn't too busy glaring at his brother and older cousin.

"Blackwolf," Ayame stage whispered. Yuki wasn't sure if he wanted to be heard, or he just honestly couldn't talk quietly to save his life. "I think Princess suspects us!"

... _Princess?_

In the last eight hours, Yuki had been subjected to the torture of Ayame's company, his older brother had _stolen_ his freaking _blanket_ at an unholy hour of the morning, Shigure had _drenched_ him to wake him up at _least_ an hour before he was usually technically even _awake_ forget _aware_ , and then Kyo had been acting smug. That was all bad enough. But now his brother, the stupid, irritating, obnoxious freak of nature that he was, decided to start calling him _Princess_? Could this day get any _better?_

Yuki almost jumped out of his own skin when his sock became rapidly wet. The concoction had spread to his feet, and his socks were working as a towel.

Apparently not.

* * *

Kyo was brooding.

Sitting in the middle of the park, thunderous expression etched on his face, arms crossed in irritation, one would think the small children nearby would avoid him at all costs, or at least skirt around the patch of grass he had apparently claimed as his own. And they would have. Had it not been for the kittens.

They were everywhere; curled in his lap, perched on his shoulder, one even sprawled on top of his head. Because of them the kids were also gathered, not even seeming to notice Kyo's irritation as they marveled at the impressive amount of felines.

These two occurrences, which the cat would usually find highly irritating, didn't even register as really happening. Kyo was too busy sulking about his lack of milk. He really, _really_ wanted some milk. He didn't have any money on him- he couldn't _buy_ milk. He had tried to ask some kid at the park for his milk, and the kid had gladly given it to him.

Though, without the cup. It had splashed all over him, which was probably why several of the cats had found his clothes to be delicious.

"There's a whole army of them!" A rather rambunctious boy, maybe eight, declared.

Words had been a blur to Kyo for several minutes now, but for some reason that cut through.

Army. An _army_.

Kyo's brow unfurrowed, eyes alighting as he looked upon his horde of kittens in a new light.

He had an _army_.

Armies were forces that attacked places, held sieges, and took spoils of war.

 _Spoils of war_.

Spoils like _milk_.

"Of course!" Kyo crowed, jumping to his feet so suddenly that half of the children scattered. "Markus! Arabel! Hikaru!" He called, pointing to the three cats as he called their names, "You three are my generals! The rest of you, break into four groups, one led by each of us! We're going to get some milk!"

* * *

Arisa Uotani was generally a rather unfazeable person. Not that she didn't get very loud or overreact- half of the time she found herself shouting. However, it was generally more or a comment on the people she happened to be dealing with than her own pension for surprize.

That being said, her day at the grocery store was enough to shock her into silence.

It had started with a cat.

Just a single cat- a calico who seemed rather overweight. It mozied into the store after one of the customers and began wandering the isles, finally trotting almost purposefully towards the sign that declared "pasta" and sitting like a sentinel.

That was a bit strange, but everyone ignored it since it was just one harmless little cat.

Except, just a few minutes later, a few kittens bounded playfully after a very confused-looking customer before each peeling off and sitting under three more signs.

Okay, a bit weirder, but still nothing to freak out about.

Then, after the very next customer, slunk in a black cat. This one didn't immediately set up under a sign; it slunk around the corners of the store, peering around corners and climbing on top of the shelves as if keeping an eye on the rest of the store.

After it had almost destroyed an entire canned-fruit empire simply by jumping off of it (that thing had taken _two hours_ to set up!) Uo had finally decided that cat was way too much of a disturbance. Snatching the suddenly hissing feline right out of the air while two of her coworkers steadied the cans, Uo brought the cat to the front and put it outside.

The cat looked back at her almost defiantly, but when Uo returned it with her usual _I can and will beat you so hard you kids will hurt_ look (trademarked during her third year in the gang) it's head drooped. Turning, only giving one more, almost pleading, backwards glance, it plodded off to a bush across the parking lot that seemed to be moving.

Deciding she didn't care, Uo went back to work.

* * *

Back in the bush across from the convenience store his army was currently infiltrating, Kyo turned white at the news.

Arisa Uotani was in there.

Mission abort? No. But there must be some modifications to the plan...

* * *

"Hey, mind covering for me for a minute?" Uo called to one of her coworkers, heading off to the bathroom. She passed five cats on the way there.

But stepping back out, she saw at least ten.

"They're multiplying!" She exclaimed under her breath, wondering why on _earth_ her coworkers weren't throwing them out. Just as she began back to her station, the door was thrown open with something akin to a war cry.

"Orange-top?!" Uo demanded. For it was none other than Kyo Sohma, holding open the door with a nearly manic grin for kittens and cats of every color and size. She could have sworn she saw a mountain lion. But before she could properly dish out a can of hurt right on top of Kyo's head, he had spotted her. He raised his arm in her direction and simply called out, "Arabel!"

In a second, about a fourth of the cats had peeled off. They were led by the sleek black cat Uo had tossed out earlier, and before she could react they had covered her in some sort of giant kitten glomp.

While this happened, Markus, the huge cat that looked suspiciously like a mountain lion, led his group of large cats on a prowl of the store to discourage any of the humans from opposing them. Hikaru, a rather small (but _very vicious_ ) siamese cat, led his fourth purposefully towards the catnip.

Meanwhile, Kyo and his posse of the very smallest kittens (most of which were _riding_ him rather than _following_ him), went for the real prize: the milk.

Outside of the store, an innocent bystander planning to do her usual shopping approached and promptly gaped in shock. She couldn't see much through the windows, but it seemed like an unnatural number of cats were openly roaming the store and even _jumping_ onto the people inside! One blond in particular kept getting up and then promptly pinned by cats once more. The woman took a brave step towards the door, ignoring the hissing that was undoubtedly from the cat inside.

Just as she touched the door handle, the hissing volume increased exponentially. Suddenly, she was surrounded.

Surrounded by cats.

Were cats supposed to be so freaking _terrifying_?

* * *

Shigure had been staring at his phone for five minutes, trying to figure out how to break it to Hatori that he may or may not have accidentally gotten Kyo arrested.

The real problem, honestly, was who was here. It was only Shigure and Ayame (the latter of which found Kyo's imprisonment absolutely _hilarious_ , while the former at least pretended to be concerned), and if either of them called then Hatori would hang up as soon as he realized who was speaking.

Unless the first words were sufficiently shocking...

Shigure dialed his cousin's number, smirking at Ayame's expectant expression. The silver-haired man had been waiting for Shigure to call Hatori for as long as the other man had been staring at the phone (he would have called himself, but Shigure had told him no for some unfathomable reason).

One ring. Two rings. Three rings.

Hatori obviously knew where the call was originating, because he would have picked it up directly after three rings had it been anyone else.

Four rings. Five.

Finally, the receiver was lifted. Shigure heard the distinctly Hatori-like sound that most would handwave as mere breathing, but Shigure had known him long enough to know it was more of a put-upon sigh.

"Kyo's been arrested!" He blurted in a second, keeping his usual playfulness out of his tone.

"What happened?" Hatori demanded, one hundred percent business. But what fun was that? Now that Shigure had said that, it was unlikely that Hatori would hang up. So the dog reclined with his usual grin. Not that Hatori could see either way.

"More about that later," the dog said dismissively. He was just about to attempt to start a conversation about New Years plans or some such nonsense, but Hatori (having known Shigure much too long to let him get away with that) cut him off.

"Give the phone to Ayame. Now." Shigure huffed directly into the phone, probably louder than strictly necessary, before handing it to the snake anyway. "Tell me what happened."

Immediately, the story came spilling out. Everything from the first drinking experiment, to _how_ they had managed to get him drunk again (because, really, weren't they just so clever? Hatori was sure to be proud of their problem-solving abilities), to the call they had gotten around ten minutes before detailing what Kyo had apparently done. And it was all wrapped up, rather nicely Shigure thought, with Ayame cheerfully admitting, "and then we called you, Tori! We're sure you can get Kyo out without trouble."

Hatori sincerely wished he could honestly say they were confident in his knowledge of law, but they might have also been asking him to break Kyo out of jail. He decided to ignore that second possibility.

After a barely-breathed word that Shigure suspected was four letters, he replied with "Shigure, I'm a doctor, not a lawyer." And then, directly contradicting his previous statement, "where is he being held?"

It took a good four hours, a sum of money for damages, Hatori's unending patience, a single officer willing to work with them (the others merely wanted to know how on earth Kyo had gotten that many cats, much less trained them for a coordinated attack), and some of Ayame's blatant lies to get Kyo released with no charges pressed against him.

It took another hour to convince Kyo to come out of the cell, since said cat declared that he would rather rot in jail than live with "that psychotic, sociopathic, dumb dog".

* * *

AN: Kay, I did it! I actually got it out! Hopefully, the next installment wont take this long. But I'll be honest- I only have a very vague idea of what the next one will be on.


	4. Flirty

AN: AHAH! Technically within a month!

* * *

 **Flirty**

* * *

Alcohol had gotten Kyo to admit Yuki is pretty.

Kagura could hardly believe her ears when she heard the news. Kyo, who was hard-pressed to give any sort of compliment to anyone at any time, had admitted _Yuki,_ his long-time rival and the number one person he would _never_ compliment, was _pretty_.

Wasn't her Kyo just _so adorable_?

But why did he NEVER COMPLIMENT HER?!

KYO WAS SO GOING TO GET IT WHEN SHE SAW HIM NEXT!

Oh, unless... _unless..._

* * *

"Hello," Shigure greeted, picking up his home phone. The ID was from the main estate, so he didn't bother introducing himself.

"Is Kyo there?" Came the meek voice from the receiver. Shigure smirked. Oh, it was always _so fun_ when Kagura came over; yeah, his house usually took a beating, but watching Kyo be beat up by such a generally nice girl was so worth it.

"Not right now. Can I give him a message?" Shigure was very careful to keep his voice calming; talking to Kagura was always much easier when neither party was excited. Things tended to get out of hand when that happened. There was also the little fact that he was totally lying; Kyo was just in the other room. But Shigure had a feeling that he would get much more enjoyment out of this if he was privy to all the little details, and Kyo sure wouldn't tell him anything.

"Oh," aww, she sounded so disappointed! Young love; so cute. "I was thinking about visiting this weekend, but Kyo said-"

"Oh, no, nevermind that!" Shigure interrupted, eyes lighting up mischievously. He already knew what Kyo said; he was busy, he had work, he wouldn't even be home so she shouldn't bother. He also knew that the cat was not the most quick-witted when it came down to making excuses. Odds were in favor of him not actually having specified what he would be so monumentally busy with, so Shigure wouldn't have to worry about getting that detail right. "He had a school project, but he finished it early just so he would have time with you!"

"Really?" She was so hopeful. Shigure, who was having way too much fun to stop now, nodded happily. A moment later, he realized she couldn't see him and gave verbal confirmation.

"Yes, of course! He told me himself!"

Kyo had done no such thing. In fact, he hadn't even informed the dog that Kagura had called him. That in itself was a miracle, usually it was blaringly obvious when the boar called even without Kyo's confirmation; there was a lot of yelling and it usually ended with Kyo grabbing what he could carry and attempting to go on a spiritual journey to the mountains.

"Then I'll come this weekend! You'll tell him, won't you Shigure?" She asked, sounding like she was floating on cloud nine.

"Of _course,_ I'm sure he'll be thrilled," Shigure cooed, voice completely opposing the feral grin that had spread across his face. Shigure had absolutely no intention of telling Kyo Kagura had even called, much less that she was coming over. His shock when he heard her jet-like speed approaching the house would be so much sweeter if he didn't know, and the utter _terror_ that would stain his visage when he heard her dulcet tones screaming "KYOOOOOOO". Not to mention the betrayed look he would surely send Shigure's way when Kagura pointed out that Shigure told him she was coming. It would be priceless.

"This weekend will be fun," he sniggered quietly to himself once the call had ended.

"What was that?" Yuki asked from the other room, coming to the doorframe to look quizzically at the dog. Shigure gave the rat his most winning smile.

"Nothing, Yuki."

* * *

Yuki knew something was up. He didn't know _what_ exactly, but Shigure was definitely up to _something_. Said dog had been grinning a lot, and looking at Kyo as if he knew something the stupid cat didn't (which, really, wasn't a hard thing to accomplish) ever since that phone call that he also refused to talk about.

No, that wasn't exactly accurate. Shigure was perfectly willing to talk about that phone call, but he only ever gave cryptic clues or downright lies.

The worst part was that Yuki _knew_ Shigure was better at lying than that. He knew the dog could have come up with a story in half a second (he is a writer, after all) and could have sold it just as easily. But he _didn't_. Shigure was _purposefully_ letting them know that something he thought was funny would happen, and his definition of funny was questionable at best.

Even Tohru, oblivious Tohru, had caught on to the fact that something was going on. It wasn't that Tohru was _dumb_ , just that she was notoriously out of the loop in the most adorable kind of way. When even she could point out that Shigure was hiding something, he _really_ wanted it known. Of course, being the innocent and guileless person she was, she didn't feel the same apprehension as the boys did, assuming the secret was a _good_ secret.

Kyo, personally, was tired of being looked at as if he was going to be made into a Christmas present.

Which was something he hadn't considered.

And an occurrence he wouldn't put past Shigure.

He would have to watch out. He didn't want to wake up Christmas morning in a box labeled "Kagura".

Anyway, the cat had never been the calmest of people (obviously) and knowing that someone else knew something that he didn't, a thing that apparently affected _him_ in some way, was one of the many things that made him very annoyed. So by the time Shigure's "surprise" had come, Kyo was already thoroughly pissed at life in general.

* * *

Shigure had risen that morning with a grin on his face, humming a song (one of his favorites called "High School Girls"). This in itself wasn't odd; Shigure was always disgustingly cheerful in the unholy hours of the morning.

He did, however, wake up earlier than usual. After all, he couldn't be sure exactly when Kagura would show up, and he was _not_ going to miss the show. The only person who noticed this slight inconsistency was Tohru (sweet, sweet Tohru who had made it her job to know their schedules simply so she could help them in any way possible), and she just made a passing comment about good habits. Kyo really couldn't care less about Shigure's schedule, so he didn't know when the dog always got up despite always being awake before him; Yuki was hardly awake himself by the time Shigure got up, and so never noticed who was or was not awake.

Kyo was already glaring darkly at Shigure's chipper demeanor when his doom came thundering down the path to Shigure's house.

Shigure's prediction of what would happen was fairly accurate.

The sound of Kagura running was very distinct, and Kyo had been trained from a very young age to run _very fast and far_ whenever that sound was heard.

Unfortunately he wasn't expecting it, and for a second his shock rendered him immobile. Also unfortunately for Kyo, Shigure had been trained to detain the cat when he tried to run for maximum hilarity, and he did so now with an all-too-pleased smile.

"Let me go!" Kyo bellowed, attempting to pull away from Shigure's vice-like grip with absolutely zero success. Yuki sipped his tea, ignoring both Kyo's antics and the increasingly loud sound of an approaching possibly-homicidal teenage girl. Tohru looked concerned; she had not yet learned to identify Kagura's distinctive running by sound alone, and was therefore not sure why Kyo had suddenly lost it. She did nothing more than look concerned, however, because this had become a semi-regular occurrence since she had begun living with the Sohmas. Shigure also calmly drank his tea, despite one arm being occupied with the violently thrashing cat.

That was about the time Kagura started yelling. She had memorized the exact distance from Shigure's house that her yelling could be heard clearly over her running, so everyone was able to decipher that she was definitely yelling for Kyo this time. As all other times.

Yuki and Shigure showed no change, except maybe Shigure's grin had gotten a bit bigger. Tohru smiled, suddenly realizing who was coming and looking forward to it. Kyo redoubled his desperate bids for escape, pure terror staining his features.

Shigure risked a glance back at the cat (risked his air of nonchalant coolness) and quickly hid his grin behind the tea cup he still held in the other hand. Terror, check. Next should be defiance, then he'd get pounded, then reluctant resignation. Always the same old story, but it was a funny one, and Shigure had personally never minded reruns.

Kagura tore easily through his doors, sending wood splinters and the remnants flying to the side, and Shigure let out the obligatory "my house!" because that's just what always was said. Then the demonic girl who had torn through a relatively stable door with no qualms or difficulties disappeared, replaced with a sweet little girl who wouldn't hurt a fly who was looking at Kyo from across the table with wide, kicked-puppy eyes and hands clasped shyly behind her back.

Kyo continued attempting to escape. He was beginning to think Shigure might be some sort of superhuman because, really, the guy hadn't moved an _inch_ since he started holding Kyo back and didn't look like he was straining at all, and Kyo _knew_ he was a pretty strong dude despite never having beat Yuki and _how was Shigure doing that?_ Or rather, that was a passing thought in his mind; most were focused solely on Kagura and what she was going to so to him if he didn't get away _right now_.

With one firm yank Shigure had the cat sprawled back in his seat, looking back at Kagura in terror.

"Oh Kyo, it's been so long. I've missed you so much," Kagura said, starting one of her common before-punishment speeches saved especially for Kyo when he was being totally inconsiderate (really, who didn't even contact their wife-to-be in between actually seeing them? The boy was lucky he was still alive!).

"Kagura, I'm sure Kyo is very happy to see you," Tohru provided, trying to save Kyo from his fate. Unfortunately for Kyo, Shigure found the violence to be funny.

"Really?" Kagura asked, eyes shining, turning to look at Tohru for a moment before fixing them back on the sprawled cat. He had tried to escape when she looked away, arms scrabbling awkwardly in the air, legs flailing, because Shigure was not so stupid as to let Kyo's hoodie go just because he'd fallen over. And by fallen, Shigure meant pulled, yanked, hauled, and many other words that had a bit different meaning than _fell_ , but Shigure didn't use because fell made Kyo look like he was at fault, which would make him angry, which was, of course, _funny_.

"Oh yes, he's been looking forward to your visit!" Shigure added cheerfully, knowing exactly what this declaration would cause.

"WHAT?! I didn't even know she was coming! If I had, I woulda left!" Kyo snapped, denying the statement just as Shigure knew he would.

"But Kyo, Shigure said he would tell you," Kagura said innocently, seeming to ignore the last part of his statement. The dog nodded in agreement, matching Kagura's innocent look.

"And I did."

Yuki and Kyo both knew for a fact that wasn't true. Tohru figured she just hadn't heard, or maybe forgot, and apologized accordingly.

Shigure regarded Kyo from the corner of his eye, smirking when that shocked betrayal sprung onto his face. It lasted only a fraction of a second before being replaced by a simple glare. The dog frowned slightly, disappointed. He had wanted a bigger reaction. In his assessment of the situation, he had neglected to factor in that Kyo already thought he was the devil incarnate and so wouldn't be very surprised when he was the harbinger of Kagura.

"What are you here for?" Kyo snapped at his 'beloved', hoping that she would just give him some terrible present and be gone for a while. A very _long_ while.

"I came to give you this," Kagura muttered shyly, still in her nice persona, as she pulled a bottle of something from somewhere undefined. While Yuki and Tohru wondered where she had managed to hide that thing, Kyo and Shigure were too busy staring at the bottle to care. They had two _highly_ different reactions.

Shigure was, once again, looking as if Christmas had come early. Word had spread! No longer was it up to only Aya and himself to make Kyo's life miserable for their own enjoyment; the other Sohmas had begun to hear of Drunk!Kyo's escapades, and were perpetuating them!

Kyo, on the other hand, looked mortified. His previous encounters with alcohol hadn't exactly endeared himself to the stuff. There were the hangovers, of course, and the feeling that he had totally missed something that he just _hated_ because he couldn't really deny something when he wasn't even sure if he had done it or not! And that wasn't even mentioning that the first time caused rumors of him actually _complimenting the rat_ and the second ended with him in jail!

" _Get away from me!_ " Kyo screeched, once again making a bolt for the door. Shigure had still not released him, which caused a most amusing sort of yo-yo effect. Kyo jumped to his feet, managed to strain against the fabric for maybe half a second, and was sent crashing back down with a flick of Shigure's wrist. Resigned to his position, Kyo settled for simply glaring fiercely at Kagura and her bottle. "There's no way I'm drinking that!"

There was nothing on _earth_ that could make Kyo drink that.

"K-Kyo..." Tears began filling up Kagura's eyes. Kyo felt fear pierce his heart. Shigure stifled a grin, releasing the cat's hoodie without said teen noticing. Yuki sighed, for he also knew what this would turn into in about five seconds, and put a hand on Tohru's shoulder to stop her from getting between Kagura and her beloved. "Y-you... I GOT YOU A _PRESENT_!" Kyo went flying through the air and out of the already broken sliding doors, Kagura following swiftly after. "IT IS FILLED WITH MY LOVE!" Kyo was now being windmilled around the yard. Yuki and Shigure continued to sip their tea while Tohru watched in worry. "YOU WILL DRINK IT!"

And he did, but not of his own accord.

"Oh no! Kyo, who did this to you?" Kagura simpered after she had forced at least half of the liquid down Kyo's throat, suddenly reverting back into her usual persona. Kyo, who was both dazed and completely smashed, understandably didn't answer.

"That would be you, Kagura," Yuki stated without even looking back to where the girl crouched beside her fallen beloved. Kagura, as usual, decided to ignore the accusation and was now Shaking Kyo rather violently because he wouldn't answer the simple question.

"Kagura, would you like a cup of tea?" Tohru asked, both because it was polite and to possibly get the girl to stop making Kyo's condition worse.

"Kyo will be fine," Shigure added flippantly when she hesitated, whereupon Kagura made her way into the now open-air dining room.

As soon as Kagura had sat down far enough away from him, Kyo scrambled halfway to his feet and flailed his way into the woods. Once he felt he was a sufficient distance away from the house (both to escape Kagura and to keep his drunk self away from the devious mind of Shigure) he straightened up only to sag against a tree.

Was the world supposed to be all wobbly?

He just needed to... to get somewhere more stable! Yes, the ground obviously wasn't doing it's job... but the _tree_ seemed to be doing a good job.

Yes! Climb the tree!

Kyo studied the tree. He could totally do it.

But Kyo wasn't dumb. Kyo knew he was drunk, and drunk people were irrational. Therefore, he would make sure to think all of his decisions through twice!

.

.

.

Yup, seemed like a sound thought process to him.

There were a few false starts, the most notable of which ended with Kyo upside-down and hanging from his ankle, but Kyo eventually got himself onto a fairly high branch. He was lying on his stomach, arms and legs locked around the rather thick jut of wood.

Because it seemed his ingenious plan had failed. The world was still jiggling.

Kyo closed his eyes against the nausea, mentally cursing Kagura and her stupid delusions.

A twig snapped. Kyo's eyes flew open (he almost fell too, but that's beside the point) and he focused on the figure moving towards him.

That was a _very_ pretty person. Subtle curves, fitting clothes, eyes that glinted in the light that filtered through the leaves. The person seemed to be looking for someone, and their head swung to the side, making their purple-grey hair-

Oh, oh _heck_ no.

Yuki had not found Kyo yet. He had followed the cat into the woods a few minutes after he had run in, after the others decided that drunk Kyo should probably not be left to his own devices lest something like the milk fiasco happen once more.

He sighed in annoyance; there were so many more things he could have been doing with his time. Why was it that Kagura's unending pursuit of Kyo always caused _Yuki_ problems?

The rat turned to look to the side of where he was walking; he could have sworn he'd heard something coming from this direction. Just as he swept his hair from in front of his face (where it had fallen when he turned), there was a noise that sounded suspiciously like someone throwing up from above him.

Looking up, Yuki spotted Kyo about ten feet in the air on a tree limb. Or rather, hanging _off_ of a tree limb looking slightly green, _very_ red, and _highly_ disturbed.

"Did you get stuck in a tree, stupid cat?" Yuki asked, not moving any closer from where he was already. Kyo ceased his flailing, turning his head to glare daggers at the other teen.

After all, it wasn't _Kyo's_ fault that Yuki looked like a freaking girl, now was it?

But... still. Just _yuck._

"I'm up here cuz I wanna be up here!" Kyo blustered, reminding himself that he was drunk and that every single thing he thought was probably a result of that. His fault or not, though, Kyo did _not_ need Yuki's help for anything.

"I'm sure," Yuki drawled, unimpressed. It was completely obvious the cat was struggling, and if his grip continued to loosen at the rate it was, Kyo was going to fall in about three... two... one...

The cat tumbled down, snagging on a few branches, flopping onto a branch about six feet above the ground, and finally rolling off of that and landing face-first on the ground.

Yuki didn't lift a finger to help. He'd seen Kyo walk away from much higher falls even without the other objects slowing him down.

"Come on, stupid cat, before you kill both of us," Yuki grumbled, yanking Kyo unceremoniously to his feet and dragging him back towards Shigure's house by the collar of his shirt. He ignored both Kyo's verbal protests ("Kagura's still there! Let me go!") and his uncoordinated and sloppy bids for freedom.

"Found him," Yuki announced upon entering the clearing in which Shigure's house was built. Shigure was still sitting at the table, as usual, but Kagura and Tohru seemed to be keeping vigil for when the two boys returned.

"Kyo!" Kagura called, tears in her eyes as she ran, in slow motion, towards the orange-haired teen. Even in Kyo's drunken state, he knew this was not good. Especially when time suddenly turned back to normal, Kagura's eyes narrowing to slits as she yelled, "I WAS SO WORRIED!"

"YoulookveryniceKagura!" Kyo rattled out even as he flinched, Kagura's fist stopping just centimeters from his face.

Kagura's eyes turned into hearts. Litteral hearts. Kyo was sure of it. They definitely- oh, wait, maybe that was because he was drunk. He'd forgotten he was drunk for a minute there between the freezing terror and self-preservation kicking in. What had he just said?

"I love you Kyo!" Kagura declared, grabbing said boy and hugging his face to her chest.

Kyo was unsure as to what had just happened. He said something... maybe... and Kagura had suddenly stopped charging at him. Was this her attempting to suffocate him? And was she spinning him, or was the world just spinning?

Everything was moving very fast. Was Kagura still talking? He couldn't tell anymore...

Finally Kyo was released from the back-breaking grip (Shigure may have said something along the lines of "Um, Kagura, I think Kyo's dying..." but heck if Kyo knew) and while he was re-learning how to breathe and trying to get the world to just _sit still_ for _two seconds_ he suddenly found himself seated next to (kind of on top of? Maybe? Was he leaning on her, or the other way around?) Kagura at Shigure's table.

Shigure looked unduly pleased. Yuki once more opted for ignoring them all. Tohru was looking at the pair with a smile, happy that they were kind of getting along.

Kyo, still slightly dazed, looked around at them all, passing over Yuki and Shigure and lingering on Tohru.

When was the last time someone had given Tohru a complement? Besides Shigure, the pervert. Obviously it had been too long, however long it had been. She was an absolute saint, after all, putting up with her three housemates, cooking amazing meals (she even made leeks almost _palatable_ ), and smiling no matter what.

Well, if no one else was going to tell her, Kyo supposed it would just be up to him.

"Tohru," he began catching her attention with a smile. A real, honest to goodness smile, not one of his grins or smirks or forced smiles. A soft, kind smile that didn't make it onto his face often. "You look beautiful."

There was a moment of silence in which everyone stared at Kyo in shock (save for Tohru, whose face had turned cherry red and was now looking determinedly down at the table).

And then Kyo was thrown out the door.

"KYO YOU CHEATER!"

* * *

AN: So, I have an idea or two about other types of drunk Kyo could be, but if you have a specific type of drunk you want to see Kyo as, feel free to leave a comment about it.


	5. The Big Finale: Party Animals!

**AN: Here we go! Sorry it took so long! Anyway, here it is: The big finale!**

 **The Big Finale: Party Animals**

* * *

If there was one thing everyone in the Sohma family knew, even those who didn't know about the curse, it was that messing up the New Years Zodiac Banquet was a big _NO._

It was the single biggest event in the clan; even Akito came out of his self-imposed solitary to attend. No one would dare attempt even peeking in on the party, forget crashing it or interfering in any other more direct way.

If there was one thing Shigure and Ayame excelled at, it was doing things that they shouldn't.

* * *

"So... you want me to just pour this into the drinks?"

Shigure smiled innocently at the boy in front of him. Hiro returned the obviously fabricated expression with an unimpressed glare before going back to examining the unmarked bottle that his much older cousin had just given him.

"Yes! And don't let anyone see!" Ayame chipped in happily. This was simply brilliant of them! The two troublemakers had attempted something like this the year before as well, but their fatal mistake was attempting to smuggle in the alcohol themselves. Every year, the duo was frisked before entering the room (which led to more than their fair share of lewd jokes and plenty of awkward silences), which meant that it was impossible for them to sneak anything in.

But only _them_.

Getting a kid to do it- someone that _no one_ would ever suspect of helping them- _that_ was genius.

Hiro had been the only choice. He was the _only_ one who was _so contrary_ that no one would even consider him as a possible ally; he couldn't be forced or pressured into anything.

"And what'll _I_ get from it?" He asked in true brat fashion, complete with a cocked eyebrow and one hand on his hip, bottle hanging loosely in his other hand as he fixed his older cousins with a discerning glare.

The two shared a knowing grin before turning to the child and speaking in tandem.

"You get to watch."

* * *

Hiro stalked inconspicuously around the edges of the ongoing party. It wasn't yet time for the banquet; this was the general party that everyone was allowed into, 'everyone' being the cat (though Kyo usually stayed sulking in a corner and everyone else was only too happy to let him) and all of the cursed's families. This was the party he was to spike the drinks of; it had only just begun, so no one had gotten their own drinks yet. Pouring the stuff, which Hiro could only assume was alcohol, directly into the container that was holding the drinks would work wonderfully.

The deed was done in mere seconds, but it felt like an eternity as the bottle-necked nature of the container caused the liquid to come out much slower than it could have, and every second it seemed like every adult in the area was turning to look at what he was doing. He set the bottle under the table when it was empty before running off to find Kisa; he would have to make sure she didn't drink any of that stuff.

* * *

By the time the Zodiac Banquet was due to begin, Hiro and Kisa (the only two who hadn't drunk any of the provided liquids) were beginning to notice people acting rather strangely.

For the first hour or two nothing seemed different at all (the alcohol had diffused quite well into the drinks and was nearly undetectable), and Hiro had begun to think that yet another of Ayame and Shigure's hair-brained schemes had failed to go as planned.

Which actually didn't happen nearly as often as Hiro implied it did; the two were always surprisingly competent when it came to screwing other people over and causing general chaos.

But, back to the strangeness. It started with Ritsu; who slowly, over the course of an hour, got quieter and quieter in his wailing and moved less and less compared to his usual running-around-like-a-headless-chicken until he was sitting on the ground, slumped listlessly against the leg of a table and whimpering quietly about being a failure.

Most of the others weren't affected nearly as profoundly; a good number of them merely got a bit more snappish (Yuki and Haru included; there had been a terrifying moment where everyone had thought Black Haru had emerged only to realize that White Haru was just being mean), and a number of them smiled more. Rin seemed to be taking a nap in her chair, and Akito was brooding in a corner nursing his drink.

Strangely, the two who had caused this in the first place, and Kyo as well though that was no big surprise, were nowhere to be found.

"The banquet is starting _now_!" Akito suddenly shouted from his corner, rising to his feet and wending his way towards the door. Apparently, he was even more demanding than usual when drunk. The others began moving towards the designated room as well.

"Stay _away_ from me," Yuki grumbled darkly, glaring as Haru stopped him from tripping over his own feet by pulling him much closer than necessary. He received only a teasing smirk in reply.

"Come on, Ritsu!" Momiji practically yelled. He had no vocal control in the first place, but now he was nearly screaming everything. Ritsu let out a wordless groan in response. "Yeah, of course I'll carry you!" The rabbit hollered as if that was what the monkey had asked, grabbing the older man's feet with vigor and beginning to drag him.

"Dragged through the dirt... it's what I deserve..." Ritsu mumbled as his only response.

"H-have you seen Kyo?" Kagura asked Hatori quietly, having reverted to her shy personality, tugging slightly on his sleeve. Said man let out a put-upon sigh.

"No. He's not allowed in the banquet hall anyway," the dragon stated plainly, the usually tactful man having apparently lost all semblance of his usual social graces in the face of his comrades spiked drinks. Kagura bit her lip, tears building up at the blunt words. Just because Kyo couldn't come in didn't mean she didn't want to see him before she had to!

"Rin," Kureno muttered, poking said girl who was still slumped in her chair. "Rin. Rin. Rin." He poked her with each word, and got a one-eyed glare for his troubles.

* * *

After nearly all the Zodiacs had made their way into the banquet hall (which was much more challenging than it should have been), Akito sent a discerning glare around at all of the chairs.

Due to Hatori's blunt words, Kagura had decided to go on a Kyo-hunt and had disappeared, so her seat was empty. Hatori had decided that this wasn't his problem and entered the banquet hall without her, only to be told that since he is obviously the most responsible it's his job to go get her. His seat was also empty, since he had not yet been successful.

Rin was now sleeping at her seat inside the banquet hall, no thanks to Kureno who, instead of actually bringing her into the hall before, had sat down beside her sleeping form and began to talk to the pitcher in front of him about how nice it feels to fly. Yuki and Haru were sent to fetch them, which they _did_ manage to do, but only after Yuki had fallen about ten times, Haru catching him five of those times, which resulted in Yuki yelling and some rather sloppy punches being thrown.

Speaking of which, the cow and rat had been separated as far as possible for the sanity of everyone, because Yuki had somehow acquired Kyo's temper and White Haru had somehow acquired Black Haru's sense of humor.

Not a good combination.

Ritsu was in his chair, but had reverted to his monkey form. Momiji wasn't in his chair. Rather, he was sitting on the table beside Ritsu, singing obnoxiously in a horribly misguided attempt to make him feel better about whatever he was mumbling about now.

But there were two more unoccupied chairs. Two that didn't have such as excuse as the others.

Shigure and Ayame, who had disappeared around halfway through the pre-party and had yet to turn up.

Akito's eyes narrowed as he zeroed in on the seats.

* * *

Hatori was _so_ not happy right now. He was obviously slightly tipsy, a fact he had realized soon after his words had sent Kagura on a Kyo-hunt.

And he knew who was responsible as well. Not that it was any sort of surprise, of course. Ayame and Shigure found his total lack of tact when drunk to be absolutely hilarious, probably because it got him a step closer to joining them in whatever insane mindset they were always trapped in. They had made it their personal goal since high school (the first and _only,_ until now, time he had ever gotten drunk) to get him to ingest enough alcohol to cause any type of problem. He had avoided it spectacularly.

Hatori is a smart man after all, so he had come up with some simple rules: don't drink more than a cup of anything they give you; if it tastes funny in any way, don't drink it whether they gave it to you or not; search their pockets for any marked or unmarked bottles before allowing them inside. Not that the last one helped much, seeing as the duo seemed to have some sort of multi-dimensional pouch that they were able to pull things out of, based on the amount of times they'd managed to get that disgusting substance near him despite his rules.

Not only that, though, because the fact that Ayame and Shigure weren't exactly good at acting was helpful as well. Shigure had stopped telling Ayame any plans to get Hatori drunk within the first year of their scheming because the snake would crack under even the slightest bit of pressure applied by the dragon and the whole plan would come spilling out, and the silver-haired male would sit there grinning like he was expecting a treat. This took away one half of the dynamic duo, so the plans were sloppier after that, but luckily Hatori had known Shigure long enough to know when he was hiding something.

Now, Shigure was a fabulous actor. Always had been. He would also never give up any information he didn't want you to have. But he has a face he makes- it isn't radically different from his normal cheerfulness; the smile widened fraction and his eyes a bit sharper than they could be- and Hatori would know it anywhere. Now he couldn't tell _what_ Shigure was hiding, never could, but that face was always an indication that he should look closely at _everything_.

And they'd finally gotten him. At the _Zodiac Banquet_.

Was nothing sacred anymore? The least they could do was leave Akito out of it!

"Oh, Kyo, you look amazing!" The voice, obviously Kagura's, pulled Hatori from his inner... Ramblings? Analyzations? Perhaps being drunk made him more scientific, because he hadn't actually been aware he'd made real _rules_ for avoiding cousin-induced drunkenness.

Regardless. He had been sent to fetch Kagura, and fetch her he would.

Opening the door to the building they were in (he hadn't noticed before, but this looked suspiciously familiar...), he was met with not only Kagura and Kyo but the other two missing zodiac as well. The two thorns in his side. The banes of his existence. The cause of a large portion of his problems since birth.

"Hatori!" The two nuisances called, stars practically appearing in their eyes. Ayame's were real; that was hero-worship as usual. Shigure's were covering his smirk, and not very well of the doctor was being truly honest.

"What are you doing in my house?" He asked pseudo-calmly (that's what it was! That's why everything was familiar! Darn them, they had no right to just barge in like that), choosing to ignore the several other things that were strange about the scene before him in an attempt to not one again let his drunk self talk before thinking. One being Kyo's lack of bruises or even fear while Kagura was near, another was that Shigure and Ayame had switched clothes (the most worrying part of that was that he couldn't just shrug it off as them being drunk because he wouldn't put it past them to do it sober), and the last was Kyo's... _interesting_ attire. It looked a bit like a dress, and his hair had been threaded through with flowers (he would also like to believe that was Kagura's doing but knew firsthand that both other men were adept at flora-hairstyles), and seemed to be (heaven help them all) _proud_ of how he looked.

"Not important! We were just heading over to the banquet hall now!" Shigure shouted boisterously, spinning Hatori the other direction and pushing him into leading the march back towards said room.

Hatori let out an almost inaudible sigh as he allowed himself to be directed.

Most would probably brush it off as normal breathing, or maybe a small huff of annoyance, but Shigure knew better. That was a sigh that the dog knew must have been accompanied by a searching look to the heavens as if asking how he had come to even tolerate his two best friends. A sigh that spoke of years and years of putting up with their insane antics and, despite his usual immunity, falling for their tricks once more. A sigh that made Shigure's grin grow even further, because though Hatori sighed at his pushing and Ayame's constant chatter, the dragon allowed them to continue in silence.

And because they were obviously annoying him, which was probably one of Shigure's favorite pastimes (under only "pretend to not have the manuscript done" and directly above "force Kyo and Yuki into a room/meeting/situation/anything together").

* * *

The hall had returned to semi-normalcy. Yuki was still glaring at everyone, but was remaining seated (partially because of Akito's outburst a few minutes before but mostly because that traitorous floor was still lurching around and he didn't want to fall over again). Ritsu had returned to human form, but was slumped dramatically in his chair. Haru had ceased making Black-Haru-esque remarks, but was wearing a smirk that contradicted his usual blank face. Kureno had finished his quiet conversation with his own chair, and Rin was now sleeping sitting up with her eyes half open (which, quite honestly, was pretty creepy).

But there were four chairs that had no occupants at all. The mabudachi trio and Kagura still had yet to return.

This was highly worrisome, because Kagura was gullible and Shigure and Ayame were in the business of tricking people into doing things for their own amusement. The fact that Hatori was also out there was only a slight relief, because while Ayame would do anything the dragon said Shigure was not so easily swayed.

Just as Akito was about to order Kureno to go after them, he seemed to be the most sane at the moment, the double-doors slammed open dramatically.

Behind one stood Ayame, and the other had hidden Shigure. They were now positioned dramatically with their arms thrown out, Hatori looking completely nonplussed as he stood between them.

"Presenting," they chorused with manic grins, Hatori rolling his eyes at their antics, "this year's Zodiac dancer!" The two swept off to their respective sides, Ayame dragging Hatori with him, and revealed...

Kyo.

Who was positively beaming, despite the Ayame-style dress-robe he was wearing and the flowers that had been weaved into his hair. Kagura stood a few steps behind and to the left, far enough to not detract from Kyo's spotlight moment but close enough to effectively fawn over him.

Chaos broke out in the hall.

Momiji jumped to his feet on his seat and began hollering about how nice Kyo looked. Yuki jumped to his feet and started yelling about the cat not even being allowed here. Rin fell face-first onto the table, startling herself awake and shooting into a straight-backed posture before beginning to droop again, mumbling about how loud everyone was being. Haru figured that no one would notice him in the chaos, and so ducked under the table and made his way over to the rat before standing up and throwing an rm around said teen without warning. Yuki's screams of rage were now being directed at him rather than Kyo.

Kureno made his way unsteadily to his feet and found himself near the duo who had caused this, who were both explaining the whole plan to Hatori while said man didn't even pretend to be interested, and began gently scolding the rug beneath them all for moving so much.

All the while, Kyo had begun his dance around the table. He spun, probably more than necessary, making sure to pause so he could regain his balance, stopping every once in awhile to make someone watch. After all, this was a performance!

Akito watched his zodiacs in a sort of detached horror as the whole banquet went up in metaphorical flames before his eyes. The _cat_ was in here! He was _dancing_ (if one could call the wild, stumbling motions dancing, but in this case it was the intent that counted)! Ritsu had made his way into a corner and was slumped once more.

Hiro and Kisa simply sat in their chairs, eyes wide and mouths gaping open as the took in the chaos.

"Kisa," Hiro whispered, trying not to move because it might make one of the others notice he was still present, watching as Haru tossed monkey-Ritsu into the chandelier. The listless monkey simply hung from where he landed, moaning about how dying on such a pretty object would be more than he deserved as Kyo pointedly mounted the table and began twirling there instead. Hiro waited until she looked at him before continuing. "We're never, ever going to drink."

* * *

AN: I hope you all enjoyed my little foray into nonsense-land! This is the last chapter, but thank you all for reading!


End file.
